Why do I have to live at an establishment so full of moronic wankers?

Last night proceeded from the sublime to the cor-blimey (or, alternatively, from the I Rock to the Fuck You). There was a Slave Auction after dinner, and having better ideas this year than moshing around the stage screaming: "Fuck you won't do what you tell me", we decided to take part. And so, J¹, myself, and the first year who had been assigned to us (not randomly, he was one of our friends) decided on a plan of action.

It was stunning, even if I do say so myself. From the top: Myself, dressed in the $5 pants (tiny hotpants of the red snakeskin variety), a tiny black top, tiger-stripe stockings and stiletto heels. I lead in, on a chain, the two boys, collared and wearing porn-star vests. We circle the room to thunderous and raucous applause and approval. Once upon the stage, we proceed to act out a little BDSM roleplay. I handcuffed our firstyear to a chair. I slapped J¹ around a bit. I spanked the first year while J¹ ran off to dance with audience members. And then I forced them to do push-ups until I kicked J¹ off the stage and stomped on the firstyear.

The audience didn't know what to think. Watching the terror dawn on some of the more mainstream faces was a very significant part of the fun. It was good.

We sold for $50. And then later did an encore for $150.

However, later that night, after I'd gone to bed, I hear the door alarm going off. And off, and off. I stumble out of bed, thinking that someone's broken the break glass again and I'm going to have to change it, seeing as I'm on duty and all. But I get down there, and what do I see? Some prime candidate standing there with his foot in the door and his hands over his ears as above him the alarm continues to peal.

"You want to close the fucking door?" I ask, incredulous.

"Huh?" he says, still with his hands over his ears - deafened and dead drunk.

"Look, close it, you fuckwit," I snap, and reach for it, intending to yank it shut and hopefully break his leg in the process. At that point two other delightful specimens run up the stairs, come inside the door, and close it behind them.

Fed up with the unbelievable stupidity of the people I live with, I went back to bed.