So, Dungeons and Dragons, hey? Well, not exactly the movie of the decade, is it? Or even the year, and it might even be pushing it for week depending on how good Tomb Raider turns out to be on Friday.

Redeeming features:

1. Justin Whalin. He played Ridley. He previously played the second Jimmy from Lois and Clark. He hasn't changed a bit, which is scary in about five-six years. I find him very attractive in an almost platonic way. In any case, he made watching the movie much more bearable, because I could just look at that beautifully arranged hair and not have to pay too much attention to anything else. His performance wasn't too awful, except for when he tried to show deep emotion. Stick to playing the Harrison-Ford-cardbord character, Justy-my-boy, and leave the real acting to people like Joaquin Phoenix who don't look as pretty, but do it better.
   
2. Damoder, or whatever his name was. He got some good lines. Once he stopped speaking at the speed of sap and started having fun. Particular favourites: "Are you joking?" and variations on that theme. The lovely vein-work up the sides of his neck and across his conveniently bald head were also quite interesting. Oh, and he'd been raiding J²'s make-up collection. I recognised that blue lipstick, Mister!

But I cringed every time the quite talented Thora Birch (you saw her in American Beauty) opened her mouth. Her Childlike Empress was quite simply the most stupid character I think I've ever come across. I've certainly never witnessed a character with more elaborate costumes, and less useful things to say. I'm sure Jeremy Irons had the time of his life, though. I certainly hope he did, and that he got well paid.

The CGI was good. The opening, in particular, was quite breath-taking, and for a few minutes I was actually hopeful about the movie. The dragon battle later was also quite spectacular.

But DOUG, it was the game. It was the game up, down, left, right and sideways. Witness the importance of having your main character being a fighter-thief, everyone. (This movie displays very adequately most of the reasons I don't play D&D.) It must have some sort of pain-killers implanted in the credits, though, because once it was over, I found myself thinking that it hadn't actually been that bad, really. Luckily, I remembered the four separate incidents where I literally cringed with my whole body, and was able to stay clear-headed about the whole experience.

Two hours of silliness. Laugh it up, fuzzball. And you'll need a little masochism to really enjoy this one.