My feminity is taking an alarming turn recently.

No, I haven't found myself reclining on couches inexplicably befeather'd and fluttering various frilly things while saying, "Oh sir." I haven't even found myself wearing a lot of slinky satin (much to Anfy's dismay) and leading men to their doom. I have, however, found myself the unhappy owner of some amazing period cramps.

(Whoops, watch them flee - not the Dreaded Women's Business!)

It all started a bit over a month ago, when (thanks to St Lisa) we found ourselves watching the snappy (ho ho ho) Ginger Snaps. In it, there's some slightly spectacular menstruation metaphoring - rough premise: teenage girl gets 'the curse' and then gets attacked by a werewolf; it's all a metaphor, and by metaphor, we mean schlocky good time. She has some cramps.

Now, I don't want to blame celluloid, because that way lies unpleasant Japanese horror, but that night (I had 'the curse' myself) I suffered some truly righteous cramping. For a good half hour I was rendered entirely and uncomfortably sleepless. Much as I hate to resort to the typical hysterical female wailing about the subject, it was surely not dissimilar to the sensation should someone actually be wringing out my uterus by hand.

(That's torn it! Now she's mentioned the U word!)

This came as a surprise, because I've always escaped fairly lightly from the whole business. I know girls who mainline analgesics for a whole week, and girls who can't actually leave the house on the first day. I've sailed through with unpleasant break-outs and the odd bit of weepy PMS.

But now, all of a sudden, the 3am Cramps of Doom. Yes, they showed up again this month. This time, we'd been watching Children of Men, featuring what is possibly my irrational on-screen couple-crush of Clive Owen and Julianne Moore - I could not love them more together. ALSO featuring a somewhat portentious labour scene, by which I do not mean there is a strike. As I lay awake at a quarter-past-three, I did wonder if one could "breathe through" cramps. Or maybe one could get an epidural?

Anyway, I'm upset and dismayed. There is no punchline to this post. It is delivered purely on the grounds that if I have to suffer, so does everyone else.

(OK guys, it's safe to come back now.)